why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
