this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
