I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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