Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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