They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
