remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
