her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
