life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Boobs are out for the taking
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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