I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
