if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
