Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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