If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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