I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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