im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
