I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
