I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
