I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
