Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
