I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
