You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots