And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
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You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed