My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun