i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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