Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
