Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
