physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
