she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
