At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
