Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
