mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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