fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
