I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
