I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
