My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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