So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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