I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument