Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!