He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
