My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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