You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he was CRYING into my vagina
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
