Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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