booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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