I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
