my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
