maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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