If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
