She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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