so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
