STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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