Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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