She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
