Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
