i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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