I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
