my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
