I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
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Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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