wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
