Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
