one two three fourrrrnication!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
