i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
