His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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